i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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