Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
