he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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