I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
