Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
