I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize