I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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