Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
