My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
