What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize