Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize