You're my little dorito
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
