I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize