Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
