He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Randomize
