so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
