If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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