Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize