Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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