I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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