i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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