I'm so fucking centered right now
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
