I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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