i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
