my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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