Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
