Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
