It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
