A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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