If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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