Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
