so explain again why im purple
no
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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