At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
