Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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