This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
