It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
All the doctor said was why
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
