just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
