Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
