When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
