Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
