i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
