I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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