are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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