Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Found your dick twin last night
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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