Umm I'm too high to move.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
