I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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