Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize