So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
