Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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