nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
