I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
