I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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