So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
