Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
