I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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