On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
sarcasm needs its own font
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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