Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
