R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
