I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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