ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
