tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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