life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I came so hard my ears popped.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
