So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
