I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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