I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
